99% of the patrons I have encountered in my various library jobs have been pleasant, awesome people. The other 1%, however, I have wanted to punch right in their facial area. Below are some of the behaviors I have encountered that have caused the rare emotion of rage/extreme annoyance to rise up inside of me. If you recognize one as something you are a frequent participant in, retire from it immediately and may the gods have mercy on your soul.

1. Do not leave your children unattended at the library play spot like it’s a day care. I see you over in the other corner nose deep in our copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. And I see your kid in the other corner screaming the lyrics to Frozen songs and whacking all the other kids with a stuffed animal dinosaur.
2. Do not attempt a Night at the Library scenario by hiding between a couch and the wall where you hope you are impossible to find. I admit, this may be a cool experience if you are twelve and before then the most risky thing you ever did was dye that one strand of hair purple with grape Kool-Aid. But certainly don’t attempt this and then get caught because you were giggling too loud. Amateurs.
3. Do not be that guy in the hoodie in the corner who I see quickly look away every time I look up from the circulation desk. And most certainly don’t be that same guy who leans so far back in his chair to follow our asses with his eyes as we walk past that he falls over and the entire library stares and laughs at him.
4. Do not decorate our study room walls with a mural of penises. You might think these ambitious self-portraits are a brilliant instillation of art and we will deeply admire your artistry and commitment. You are wrong. Also, you are a deeply weird person. You should know that about yourself.
5. Please don’t treat us like your personal servants. Especially ones who you really hate for some reason. Sure we can tell you which number to call for a taxi. We’ll even lend you our phone. But we will not call it for you or carry your books to the door when you are a perfectly functioning adult. And don’t, when we refuse, threaten to light up a cigarette in our face and smoke in the library until we do. You can’t smoke us out. Literally or figuratively.
6. Don’t do what I can only assume is grabbing a handful of books from one section of the library and hiding them Easter-egg style around the entire building so we don’t find them for five years until we completely rearrange our furniture.
7. Do not answer a video call while I (or any other librarian) am in the middle of asking you questions to sign you up for the library card you asked for. And then continue to converse with your cousin at full volume while I’m trying to ask you your birthday. And certainly don’t then giving me a look that implies I am the rude one. And then tell your cousin who is apparently a 30 year old grandmother, information I did not need to know, that “this lady is trying to ask me a question or some shit.”
8. Please do not shove road kill into the outside book drop. You would think our civilized society would realize the difference between the slot they shove books into and that spot in their back woods where they also throw their old onions and the mice from the basement traps. Apparently not. Or perhaps that bloody possum was simply a gift from a patron in whose culture it is customary to bequeath your local librarians with the nastiest thing you can find in the ditch on your way to drop off your James Patterson paperbacks. Who’s to say, really.
9. Stop looking at porn in the public computer area. Especially on that last computer in the row that faces the desk where we work. You stupid, stupid, horny teenager.
10. Do not let your animal use our book as a litter box. And then return it in the book drop and walk away like we won’t find out. We will. And we will judge you harshly for it.

Thank you for your cooperation.